Helicopters, Deserts and Arkham Patients
by Serb
Summary: When all the Arkham rogues are lured into a trap set up cunningly by Lock-up, there are only three that didn't fall for the trick. Can Scarecrow, Harley Quinn and Mad Hatter be up to the task of saving the other rogues? Read and review!


**Helicopters, Deserts and Arkham Patients**

_Author's Note: At last! After a popular request, I have decided to finally write this story! Anyone who wasn't happy with the last one should have **read the note **I keep giving out! It wasn't based exactly on 'Study Hall' because changes had to be made in order to fit as if it was one of the episodes! Oh, very well...... None of the characters belong to me (except Starshade) but to DC Comics and Warner Bros. Enjoy the story!_

Just another normal day in Arkham. Especially in the 'Common Friendship Room' where all the most dangerous patients are dragged into to hang about with their fellow colleagues. It was the room that had the only two main assets that brought the rogues together without causing many quarrels: the TV and Chess Sets.

Harvey Dent (Two-Face), Edward Nygma (Riddler), Killer Croc, Harleen Quinzel (Harley Quinn), Pamela Isley (Poison Ivy) and Joker were all watching the 'Animal Planet' on TV. Occasionally, obscene comments from the Joker could be heard when the animals were performing one of the 'rituals' of life.

'What's the matter, _ewe_, did the ram _batter_ _himself in_ too much? Get it? Battering ram? HAHAHA!!!' Screamed the Joker with perverted glee as they watched the sheep performing the "natural process" on the TV.

And at a safe distance from the TV, Jonathon Crane (Scarecrow) and Jervis Tetch (Mad Hatter) were playing chess, while Viktor Fries (Mr. Freeze) watched them with an icy glare (Pun intended).

'I like the white pieces,' he mumbled,' they remind me of ice. Ice..... Nora......' his eyes filled with tears,' Nora, my love! Nora! NORA!'

'Be quiet!' snapped Crane, not taking his eyes off the board,' Otherwise, Tetch here with place one of his microchips and it won't turn out pretty!'

Jervis feigned innocence,' Why Jonathan, how could you say such a thing? I don't have any of my chips with me, you know that!'

'Maybe not, but the next time we are out of here, do not try to stick one of them into my head again!' Snarled Crane, obviously not forgetting an incident that happened not long ago.

Suddenly, the door opened. The guards dragged in someone, and dropped 'it' on the floor with disgust. Then they went away. The rogues left their current positions and carefully approached the newcomer. It was obviously a female, because long brown hair fell about her shoulders. Harley was the first one to bravely touch her.

'Erm...... you Ok?' she asked curiously.

Suddenly, a hand shot out underneath the mass of hair, and clamped around Harley's throat.

'I don't like dumb bimbos hanging around me,' came a soft, dangerous voice.

'Let her go!' Pamela Isley stepped in, ready to protect her friend.

The woman let go of Harley, and now she could be seen clearly. Straight brown hair, annoyed brown eyes and pale skin with freckles was the first thing to be noticed about her. She was medium height, and there was nothing really special about her. Once she saw Pamela, her eyes brightened.

'Poison Ivy? A person worthy to talk to,' the woman came up to Pamela.

'Who are you?' asked Croc from the spectators.

The woman gave a smug smile,' I'm Alison Adderfield...... but you may call me Starshade.'

'Starshade? What kind of a name is that? I certainly haven't heard it before!' Crane said suspiciously.

Starshade looked haughtily at him,' That's because the only thing that revolves around your pitiful life are your books. You are the _shrink_, right?'

'I'm not the _shrink_,' Crane said coldly,' I'm a Psychologist, **not** a Psychiatrist.'

'So you are the type that observes the way we snore and the way we throw up when we look at people like you. Quite a pathetic life and waste of time, I must say,' Starshade looked at him in mock pity.

Many of the rogues laughed, but some still had more sense than that. Crane seemed to positively boil.

'How do you know so much about me?' Crane asked, keeping his anger in check.

'I am well informed,' she turned up her nose, as she plopped down onto the couch like a queen,' it's not for nothing that Batman searched for me and had a hard way of capturing me.'

This had made all the rogues, except Crane, become very interested in her, and began asking questions. Starshade held up her hand as to say that she'll talk now.

'I'm not a sidekick, like Blondie over there,' she gave Harley a dirty look,' and I deeply admire and pity the Joker for having such a silly and overbearing lapdog at his side 24/7.'

Joker giggled, while Harley was outraged. She stormed to the corner where Crane was standing in anger. This made the rogues even more interested when the newcomer could have such a sharp tongue and get away with it.

'Do you use any special gadgets?' asked Jervis Tetch curiously, as he himself had a lot of experience with computer programming.

'Gadgets? Pfft! Gadgets are for sissies! And I could eat pipsqueaks like you for breakfast,' she gave him a leering smile.

'Of all the......hmf!' Insulted, Tetch marched over to where Crane and Quinzel were standing.

The rest of the rogues had and exciting time chatting with Starshade, while she obviously enjoyed the attention. They even started conceiving escape plans from the Asylum! The lonely trio watched the way the newcomer stole their contacts away from them.

xxxXXXXXXxxx

Crane stirred in his cell when the door opened, revealing Two- Face. Crane sat up in surprise.

'What is going on?' Crane asked in confusion.

'We are getting out!' Grinned Two-Face,' Starshade organized all this!'

'That brat? I thought she was all talk and no work!' Jonathan said in disbelief.

Two-Face looked thoroughly insulted,' She did it all by herself. She took on the guards and slammed them all unconscious. I suggest we follow her to Mexico.'

'Mexico?! Is that where she's leading you? And you're going to follow her?' Crane gasped.

Two- Face nodded,' Want to come along?'

When Crane shook his head, Two-Face shrugged and went off. Crane waited for a while in his cell, and then cautiously got out. The halls were empty, except for Harley, who was standing there with eyes filled with tears. Crane approached her.

'You didn't go with them?' he asked.

Harley shook her head,' P-Puddin' went with h-her. H-he left me! Red left me! They all left me to go with _her_!' she burst into wails.

'So are we completely alone?' Crane asked nervously.

'Not completely, my fellow Dodo and Mock Turtle!' Jervis Tetch came out from behind a corner.

'Why, of all people, didn't you disappear?' Crane groaned.

'I was just going around, trying to find the guards,' Tetch said before he drank from a random cup of tea he found,' I couldn't find them.'

Crane's head snapped up,' What do you mean? Dent told me that Starshade knocked them unconscious, so they must be lying around!'

'There were none,' Tetch looked at him strangely.

'Ain't that strange?' Harley spoke up, calming down,' When she came here, it's like _Poof!_ The guards are gone, like they deserted this place.'

'Deserted......' Crane looked somber,' I think that this _Starshade_ isn't what she's meant to be.'

'Whatdya mean?' Harley asked suspiciously.

'I think that this was all set up, to lure us out of here,' Crane said in comprehension,' so that he could get us and do something terrible to us.'

'_He?_' Tetch inquired.

'Who has been missing for a month now? Who can bribe the guards for them to accept it because they agree with his ideas on criminals like us? ' Crane turned to the two.

'It can't be....... Lyle Bolton?!' Gasped Tetch, as Crane nodded.

'Puddin' is there! He's gonna splitz Mistah J!' Cried out Harley,' We must go and save them!'

Crane looked at her,' Us? Save them? You must be joking!'

'If ya don't, I'll go straight there and tell them to get you! And if I get to free Mistah J, we'll hunt you two down together!' Harley threatened.

Crane and Tetch looked at each other. There was no way out of this. Then they look back at her.

'Fine. But we need a way to get to them,' Jervis said thoughtfully.

'Oh, I know who has the perfect vehicle,' Harley grinned, casting a sly look at Jonathan.

Jonathan noticed them looking at him in a strange way,' Oh, you don't mean.....'

XxxxXXXXXxxxxxx

'Wheee! This is great!' Harley screamed with excitement as they flew in Crane's helicopter.

'Really, Jonathan old chap, I never knew you could drive this thing,' Jervis said with amusement.

'How do you think I performed those attacks on the University?' Boasted Crane, now dressed as the Scarecrow and out of his Asylum uniform.

'Whatcha the destination again?' Harley dressed in her Harlequin disguise popped her head between the two rogues at the front.

'Somewhere in Mexico, but I'm not sure where,' Crane said, concentrating on where he was driving.

'Oh,' Harley disheartened plopped down in her seat, but then lightened up again,' can I drive?'

'No!' Crane snapped back.

'Please?' she tried.

'I said no!'

Jervis Tetch, now dressed as the Mad Hatter burst in,' I say, can I drive also?'

'When I say no, I mean no!' Yelled the Scarecrow, 'There is no chance of me in my right mind letting you two drive this helicopter!'

xxxXXXXXxxxxx

'Can this thing go any faster?' asked Harley on the driver's seat, making the helicopter go at a terrifying speed.

'I don't think it can...... or should at all,' Scarecrow said from the back, becoming rather green in the face from the speed.

'Can I go now?' Grumbled Hatter.

'Not you too!'

xxxXXXXxxxxx

'WE ARE JABBERWOCKS FROM HELL!!!!' Screamed Hatter high on adrenaline as he drove the helicopter at an even faster speed than Harley.

'Wow, Mr. Tetch, we're really gonna get there before them!' Harley screeched.

'We won't be getting anywhere if we keep spending the gas at such a rate!' Yelled the Scarecrow above them as he pointed to the gas meter where the gas was quickly running out.

Suddenly, the helicopter began shaking rather dangerously.

'Now slowly land the helicopter,' Scarecrow said in a forced calm voice, before he broke out,' Do not go so fast!'

Somehow, one way or the other, they landed, with a lot of dust flying in the air. Then the helicopter went dead. The trio stepped out to look at their surroundings.

'We're in the middle of a desert!' Exclaimed Harley in awe.

'A very minor one,' Scarecrow said, taking out a flashlight and observing the map in the darkness,' we should in a few kilometers come to fertile land again.'

'How do we know where to go in the middle of the night, without a vehicle and without a compass?' Mad Hatter asked.

'Why don't we go to sleep and see what we will do in the morning?' Harley suggested.

Scarecrow gave her a nasty look,' You were the one who forced us to come down here. Why don't you get us out?'

'Look, I'll try to, but first thing in the morning!' Harley explained,' Now let's go to the chopper to sleep. I've even brought some blankets with me.'

'She planned this all along,' Hatter whispered to Scarecrow as they reluctantly got accommodated for a night's rest.

XxxxXXXXxxxxxx

Harley yawned and stretched under the covers. The sun was already outside, she could see that through the window. Maybe she could get a bit more sleep.....

She turned over and found herself face to face with Crane, who was still sleeping. She stared at him and then looked down at where his hands were: around her waist.

'Get away from me!' Harley practically screamed into Jonathan's ear.

Crane opened his eyes in surprise, and immediately let go of her, blushing furiously.

'And take your hand off my leg!' Harley barked.

'Actually, that is my hand,' came the polite voice of Jervis Tetch behind her.

Harley looked wildly at the two men who were on the each side of her, thankfully the blankets covering them, and the muttered,' I'm stuck in the middle of a desert with a couple of pervs and Mr. J is probably being boiled alive!'

'Do you have some tea?' Asked Tetch.

'Whatdya need the stinkin' tea for?' Harley said, getting up, and opening the doors of the helicopter to climb out. Opening the door, she found herself face to face with a policeman.

'Eh...... ain't this morning full of surprises?' Choked out Harley in shock,' Is there a problem, Officer?'

The policeman raised an eyebrow suspiciously,' You were seen last night driving a helicopter at full speed and landing in the desert close to the border of Mexico. ' He peeked inside,' what are two men and one woman, dressed in their underwear, in the middle of the desert doing here in a broken down helicopter?'

'Erm..... saving the world?' Harley tried, then desperately said,' I really need to save my boyfriend, you know.'

'Nice try,' the policeman said, pulling out his notebook,' you better come with me to the station, before I force this notebook down your throats for disrupting the law.'

'Why don't you eat this instead?' Came the voice of Jonathan Crane from inside. Suddenly, a green smoke was shot at the policeman's face, and he fell onto the floor, screaming.

'Fear Gas? Jonathan, old boy, you must be off your head!' Tetch stared in amazement.

'Why do we belong in the Asylum then? Let's steal the police car!' Crane, now dressed as the Scarecrow, clambered outside.

'Steal the car? Are you nuts? The police will be hot on our feet!' Harley cried.

'Maybe, but we better go now before _they_ catch us,' Scarecrow pointed to the distance, where amongst the desert mist kilometers away could be seen police cars approaching.

Harley looked at the two,' Ok, but _I_ drive this time!'

XxxXXXXXXxxxxxx

'Child, tell me again how you got the driver's license again!' Yelled Scarecrow as they whizzed through the desert.

'Oh, quite easy!' Harley said cheerfully,' I don't even have one!'

'You mean that you don't know how to drive?' Mad Hatter whimpered, clutching the seat ver tightly.

'Oh, I know how to _drive_,' Harley rolled her eyes,' but I had my license taken away among the first few years I've driven. Let's see....... it was about ten years ago! Cool!'

Scarecrow and Hatter looked at each other in worry,' We are not going to survive this mission!'

'Don't worry, we're already at the border!' Harely exclaimed.

'Harleen, slow down,' Scarecrow tried to calm her down, but to no avail.

'Okie dokie, hang on to ya seatbelts! We're comin' through!' Harley pressed the gas pedal to the hilt.

'HARLEY! STOP!' Screamed the other two.

Blam! With a powerful jerk, they slammed through the barrier of the customs official, and were now on the land of Mexico. Pieces of the wooden barrier clung onto the police car, which was pretty badly damaged from such an impact. Hatter, stricken with fear, relaxed and slumped back down in his seat. Scarecrow released the seats that he was gripping so tightly.

'I never thought we will survive this,' panted Hatter.

'You could have killed us!' Scarecrow shot Harley a dirty look.

'With me on the hot seat? You must be kidding!' Harley smiled as they drove off into the distance.

XxxxXXXXXxxxxx

After driving for some time and being chased by the Mexican police, they finally lost track of them, and were now coming at the edge of a jungle- type forest. Harley halted the car and turned off the radio on which was the rather embarrassing song "I'm too sexy".

'Why did you stop?' Asked Mad Hatter.

Harley shook her head,' We're out of petrol. See?' She pointed to the red mark that appeared in front of her.

Scarecrow look ahead, then sighed, falling back into his seat,' Wonderful. And we now have to go through this jungle. Who knows what is waiting for us there, or even if we have to camp in it......'

Harley got out, and humming a happy tune, took the blankets and rolled them up into a backpack. Scarecrow got out, whispering,' You cannot be serious of going there.'

'Why not?' Harley gazed at him with her innocent-looking big blue eyes.

'Why?! Because we have ran out of gas in the helicopter and the car, the police are after us for harming one of them and crashing through the Mexican border and now we have to go into this- this- terra incognito!' Scarecrow practically screamed.

Harley blinked,' Do not be jiffed if I say this, but..... have you been smoking crack again Crane? _(Author's Note: Alliteration!) _Because you seem pretty scared and now I'm wondering if you inhaled that Fear Gas of yours-'

'I'm not on Fear Gas!' Snapped the Scarecrow _(alliteration again!)_, 'And who told you that I am smoking "crack"?'

'Everyone says that about you back in Arkham!' Harley claimed as if it was a quite obvious thing.

'It's true, I heard them say it,' piped up Mad Hatter.

Scarecrow scowled and crossed his skinny arms, turning away from them. Harley took out a map and carefully examined it.

'Now, they shouldn't be far away from here.... Only a couple of kilometers,' she stuck out her tongue as if she was solving a tricky puzzle. This attracted Scarecrow's attention.

'You mean that you knew where they are?' Scarecrow watched her in an absurd way.

'Duh? What do ya think?' Harley exclaimed.

'Does no one tell me anything anymore?' Scarecrow groaned.

'Oh, that's not the only thing you don't know,' chimed in Mad Hatter,' there's also what Killer Croc did to your books once when you were in Arkham and he was free-'

'Shhh! Don't tell him that!' Harley scolded.

Scarecrow narrowed his eyes,' What did he do?'

'Well, he used some of the books to beat Batman up, but he used some of them for his own purposes. Let's just say that when he was done with them, it looked worse than when the boy slain the Jabberwocky,' Hatter said thoughtfully,' not to mention that the worst damage went to your best hardback edition of "The Legend of the Sleepy Hollow"......'

'Not the hardback edition!' Gasped the Scarecrow in shock,' Why, that disgusting, deformed, mutation of nature! I'll sell his skin to a shoe company for this!'

'Guys, let's go already!' Called Harley, already going into the woods. The two men immediately followed behind her- one humming a strange song, while the other plotting revenge in his foul mood.

XxxxXXXxxxxxxx

'Aw, come on! We are almost there!' Harley stamped her foot impatiently.

The trio had settled down and were currently boiling water in a small kettle (yes, Hatter remembered to bring one along), because the water had come from a nearby stream, and by cooking it the bacteria would be killed. This is quite well known similarly as pasteurization. The trees surrounded them at all sides, and the floor was covered in dry, dead leaves.

'We need to drink some water before we continue with our way,' explained Scarecrow,' besides, Jervis here would really like some boiled water, as it is the closest he could get to tea.'

Mad Hatter smacked his lips as he thirstily awaited the boiling to finish,' It's true! How I long for a nice cup of tea! I even collected some herbs to put in it!' He held up some strange-looking grasses, but no one asked him anything about that.

Scarecrow took up the kettle,' It's done.'

Hatter immediately stuffed his grasses into his cup (yes, they brought that also along. Quite a picnic?) . Scarecrow came around and poured the water into each of their glasses. Unfortunately, they hadn't noticed a faint 'plop' when something fell from the kettle into the cups.

Harley brought the cup to her lips to drink, but when she looked inside, she gave an ear-splitting shriek.

'What's the matter?' Asked the Scarecrow.

'T-there! In the cup!' Harley pointed to the cup, which had been dropped onto the floor. Scarecrow turned it over and gasped. He looked into his cup and recoiled.

'These are _dead leeches_! Don't drink the water!' Scarecrow exclaimed.

Hatter fished into his cup and pulled one out,' My one's green from the herbal grasses!'

Harley screamed and ran off. Scarecrow and Hatter watched her go.

'Don't you think we should go to help her?' Hatter asked quietly.

'I think that's the only thing we can do,' sighed the Scarecrow.

Hatter got up and the two went in search of the blonde. There was not a sign of her. They even called a few times, but there was no answer. Finally, they were coming to a turn in the forest, when Mad Hatter spotted her.

'Look! There she is!' he pointed to the place where Harley was laying on the ground, unconscious.

The two approached slowly. 'She's couldn't have fainted from the shock. That would happen immediately.' Analyzed Scarecrow.

Thud! Mad Hatter fell on the ground beside him, unconscious.

'Jervis? Don't tell me the shock just _hit_ you too-' Scarecrow was cut off when something slammed to the back of his head, and he also fell down out cold.

XxxXXXxxxxxx

Scarecrow groaned and opened his eyes. His fingers reflexively gripped his head, when he noticed that he wasn't wearing his mask. He quickly sat up straight and observed his surroundings.

He seemed it be in an underground cave, and he himself was in a cage, hanging from the ceiling. He looked at the other cages that were hanging around him, and recoginized all of the Arkham rogues in them. He saw that most of them were moping around, Harley was in a state of consciousness and was chatting with the Joker loudly as he was in a cage that was a couple of cage away from her. Tetch was also awake, and he was howling pitifully some rhymes from "Alice in Wonderland" so that he could give himself some security. Basically, they were all in deep trouble.

Crane crawled to the edge of his cage and looked down. He was a good few meters away from the stone floor and the cave would have been preferably empty, if only he wasn't met with a sight of a huge boiling cauldron of hot, bubbly red acid. Crane gripped to the bars even tighter and he looked aside to where there was a passage leading out of the cave. Guarding it were none other than Starshade and Bolton in their full costumes.

'And people gossip that I'm a Satanist hooligan,' muttered Crane to himself.

Then, Lyle Bolton stepped forward, his hulking figure casting long shadows across the cave.

'Finally, the Scarecrow has awoken,' boomed Lock-Up,' I must admit, Starshade, that you were right to assume that these three won't stand as a great barrier to us.'

Starshade smirked and came forward. She was dressed in the uniform of an Arkham guard,' I told you so. What could a mere sidekick, a computer nerd and a Straw-man do to stand as a threat to me? Nothing! And drugging the other rogues when they came here was very easy- I had led them to a trap that they won't get out of!'

'What do you want with us?' Squealed Mad Hatter angrily from his cage.

Bolton looked up at him with a manic glint in his eyes,' I want to get rid of the rubbish of Gotham without having Batman stand in my way. So, I chose this spot: a secluded area in which no one will interfere when I boil you all.'

'Boil us!?' cried Poison Ivy on the other side of Mad Hatter,' You mean that you will put us into that cauldron of acid?'

Bolton smiled in a satisfied way,' Well, during the Inquisition, witches were burnt because it was a secure and painful way of killing them. You deserve none the less. The sinners will pay by burning in hell!'

'I never knew he was so into religion,' whispered Riddler to his fellow rogues in other cages.

'Now, who's first?' Starshade stepped up, and put a finger into her mouth as if she was making a difficult choice. Her eyes flashed when she came to a choice,' Why don't we put Blondie in first? '

Harley's eyes widened in terror,' Aheheh..... ya don't want me. Nope, not at all! I haven't done to you anything, have I?'

Starshade pretended to think hard, 'No, but I just _hate _blubbering bimbos such as you.'

As Harley's cage was lowered down, Hatter attracted Crane's attention. Hatter was in a cage next to Crane's and he was waving one of his mind-control microchips.

'Jonathan, throw and try to hit one of their heads with these. You're the closest!' Hatter passed on two chips to Crane.

Crane got them, and then carefully aimed at the two assailants. He threw a lucky shot. Missed. The chip whizzed right past Starshade. However, she didn't fail to notice it.

'Throwing pieces of metal at me, huh Straw-man?' she snarled, leaving Lock-up and Harley and pulled Crane's cage down. She was right face-to-face with him, only separated by a cage.

Crane seized the chance and stuck the chip behind her ear as quick as a flash. Success! She immediately froze as the chip did it's work on her mind. Then, she quietly unlocked his cage door. Crane looked up and saw Mad Hatter furiously working with his controller.

Crane sneaked out, and carefully lowered the other cages. Lowering of the cages was quite silent, and Bolton was pre-occupied with Harley who was distracting him with a few swear words.

'You stupid little tart!' he snarled, ready to push her into the boiling acid, 'I'll make you pay for the day you were born!'

As he motioned to push her in, he was suddenly held back. He growled and turned around, to find himself face to face with a snarling Killer Croc.

'Aw, Bolty-boy!' came the sly Joker's voice from the background,' You wouldn't push my little Harleygirl into that big nasty pot, would you?'

'Puddin'!' Screamed Harley joyfully in Lock-up's ear.

Joker's demonic smile widened, 'Give it to him, Croc.'

Croc's fist met Lock-up's stocmach, and the janitor hit the ground of the cave. As the hulking monster beat up their "assailant", Joker turned to Crane.

'Smooth work, Johnny boy,' Joker congratulated him with his crazy grin, 'maybe you're not always on crack as we think you are.'

When Crane opened his mouth to rebel, his breath was immediately shoved out of his body, when Harley gave him a rib-crushing hug.

'Thanks, Professor Crane!' She giggled, and even kissed his cheek.

Crane allowed himself to blush, 'Nothing at all, child.'

Mad Hatter came from behind him,' We are free now, Jonathan! How about to use the most of it in partnership together before that Batman shoves us into Arkham again?'

Crane gave an evil smirk,' Just the right time to test out my new Fear Toxin!'

THE END

_Author's Note: Yep, the end. Finally! It took me such a long time to write it! Please review and tell me what you think!_


End file.
